Relationship Leeches - Part 2 - Dealing with Needy People

We all have difficult people we are called to love. Everyone has needs for which they have to lean on others for, but how are we to deal with overly needy people in our lives who can be like leeches and suck the life out of us?

Transcription

so we all have people in our lives that we are called to love that are difficult or can be difficult to love but we remember that jesus said that the great command when he was asked of the Lord your God with all your heart mind soul and strength love your neighbor as yourself we began speaking two weeks ago about controlling people and we said that controlling people oftentimes they just they have a need to feel in control and so they want to take it out on you when we talked about how to deal with controlling people we spoke last week about critical people next week we're gonna wrap up with hypocritical people do we have a role in dealing with hypocritical people are we supposed to do anything at all with them or for them but today we're going to be speaking about needy people this relationship this series is called relationship leeches because we said a leech does what it sucks the life out of you it sucks the blood out of you right and a relationship leech sucks the life out of you we said initially just like a leech latches on to you initially it feels painless right what they actually do is they release this this chemical so that it doesn't hurt when they bite you and then after that they hold on they use their suction their lips or mucus to hold on and finally they and they'll do whatever they need to to not let go and finally they release this this enzyme that allows for the blood to constantly flow until you're like you're weak and it could go far as to kill you what is a relationship leech do they hold on they take they they will release something that initially it feels painless it doesn't hurt okay like we all have people that we have had in our lives that initially it's like I didn't see what the big deal was like I don't know what what happened like how did all of this happen because initially it didn't hurt but over time it's like you realize something's not right but you can't you you don't know how to deal with it because they've taken hold of your life they've now like latched on and they're not letting go because if you get them off it's as if they're gonna die and you feel so responsible that if you remove yourself from the relationship literally they might die and it'll be all your faults you become responsible and finally they will do whatever to continue to suck and suck and suck until you feel like exhausted and you don't know what to do life giving people we many of you mentioned they're encouraging they're inspiring they strengthen you they lift you they leave you feeling like satisfied you walk out of a meeting or a time or get together a cup of coffee with someone who's life giving you feel light you feel fresh you feel good you walk out with a smile on your face when you walk out with a relationship leech you're depleted you're exhausted your head hurts you're confused you hate your life like you're miserable you just don't know what to do and you're like all life giving people you're looking forward to the next time life like relationship leeches you see them coming and you run you do whatever you can to avoid dealing and every group every group has challenging people right Jesus I think said one time when two or three gathered in my name there are crazy people that are in the midst okay there there there okay you have them in families you have them at work you have them at church you have them in your frame you have them on whatsapp groups where like they consume everything in the ones like a 95 percent of the messages that go to certain whatsapp groups that are men it's one person ninety five percent okay it's like every they just consume you to the point that you're like oh I have to meet this thing I have to meet it I just I I need I need I need silence it sounds okay every group has it agree do you guys agree yeah okay those of you who are not raising your hands everyone look around and be careful be wary of those people no no I want you to be convinced if you if you just if you're not every group every everyone has one of those people everyone has them in their lives yeah yeah we are called to love and care for needy people we are called to love and care for needy people people are hurting and sometimes they just want some extra attention or some help they want a little bit of extra loving but sometimes you see them and you know it's going to be a long conversation right I mean I anyone ever been in that situation like you get a phone call from someone and you know you're like I can take this it's going to be about a two and a half minute conversation and another person like they call and you're like I can't take this right now I only have 45 minutes of talk time right now and I know I need at least two hours I knew this is this is always a two hour conversation every single time and after the 2 hour conversation is over you're you're you're feeling like you know no it's not just that it's not that you can't get him back it's like it wasn't enough it was a I had a person in my life at one point it was like honestly every time I spoke to in those two hours and then when I was like oh I'm really sorry you gotta go really like we never get a chance to catch up I'm like we just walk we're two hours well would you like two hours people two hours they dominate the conversation and it's the same negative story every single time like every time it's always the same negative conversation right you've spoken about it 45 times you know like I don't know what else to say I don't know like I don't know I don't know but then you're being okay guys forgive me all right you know we're gonna talk about what to do with them yeah we're not gonna talk we're not all right what do you do for them it's not enough if you do for them it's not enough you give them they always need more okay you might have a relative who's all alone in their lives you might have a person in life who has no friends you might have a friend or buddy who needs money you might have a co-worker who's always fishing for compliments someone who's just like a hot mess they're like they're struggling and I'm not like this is not time for me like I'm using humor but I'm not like my intention here is not to be critical of people who are need it's for us to know how we are to deal with people who are not just Annie but our extra needy okay it's complicated because like no matter what you do it's never enough and if you pull back you feel guilty right you feel bad if you pull back you want to help but if you help the wrong way it's actually hurting them and it's hurting you and it's not honoring to God okay so how do you love those people who suck the life out of you in a way that honors God and also helps them because the goal here is not just cut ties and like good luck peace out I'm done with you okay that's not the goal okay that might be easy but how do we help without hurting how do we help without hurting I want to give you three ways that we help without hurting okay number one number one is give or help strategically give strategically okay giving emotionally it feels good yes it feels good and it relieves guilt like when you're walking down the street and you see a homeless person you see the bucket you drop a dollar in it feels good what we've actually done there is we've given out of emotion okay we've given because and we feel good afterwards we've relieved guilt we've said I've done something to help another person and so we feel better about it instead of focusing on what they want what we're actually doing or what they need what are we doing we're doing what gives us relief right I know this person I'm going to have to speak to them at some points it's going to be a four and a half hour conversation it'll still not be enough but I just need to get out of the way because it'll give me relief it'll make me feel better about myself okay and then I can go another thirty seven days because that's how long I can go without having another one of those four-and-a-half-hour conversations okay and then I'll do it again why not because it's what they need or want it's what gives me relief it makes me feel a little bit better about about myself okay what they need is what they what will really help not what they wants what they need okay Oh what want to talk about not giving emotionally but about prayerfully giving strategically or intentionally okay there's a reason by the way I don't pass a basket around in church at a certain time and I'll tell you there are actually churches there's a friend of mine who used to work in a large Evangelical Church in Southern California and he told me that they had actually done studies to figure out the ideal time and the ideal song to do before they would pass the basket around the giving basket around okay why because they wanted to create an emotional response in the persons with a specific song and at that specific time of that song the person would then come on and they would say we are now going to pass the offering basket around okay that is the reason why honestly we one of our core values here is not emotional giving it's purposeful giving it's about being intentional okay there's a little box in the back of the church with a small little slit and people either drop about their check in there or they go have to log online to see cb2 log on and to give intentionally okay this is about intentional giving not emotional giving Peter and John were going into the temple in the middle of an afternoon and what do they find they find a lame guide who's begging there he was lame from birth in other words he couldn't walk and they're faced with this man who was asking for money that's what he did that was that was his job Acts chapter 3 verse 3 begins as follows is when he saw Peter and John about to enter he asked him for money he asked him for money Peter looked straight at him as John did then Peter said look at us so the man gave him his attention expecting to get something from them right he was expecting to receive something he walked in Peter and John walk in they see this man they look at him they said look at us he looked at him and it says he looked at them expecting to get something from them those who have hurt been hurting learned if I'm loud enough for long enough someone will help and the job of his family was literally to take him every single day put him by the temple because he couldn't walk himself they would leave him there and his job all day was to Beck that was his job the emotional giving was to carry him to the gate the day each day I'm throughout the day people would give emotions they would see this man and they would say oh he's in need he's hurting let's drop a piece of silver a drop a piece of gold and give him why because it relieved their guilt yes they felt bad and dropping a little piece in helped them to feel better what did the lame man wants money what would have been easy for Peter and John and anyone else to give money yes tossing loose change in was easy it felt good it relieved guilts that's not what they did that's not what they did okay let's continue then Peter said silver and gold I do not have did they have money dad they had silver and gold I do not have but what I have I give you in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth walk take you by the right hand he helped him up and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong this man was looking for a handout and they said we're not giving you a handout we're gonna give you a hand to help you up we're gonna lift you up we're not just gonna leave you where you're at and throw some change at you so we feel better no no we're gonna help you in order to give them we're gonna give not emotionally we're gonna give strategically okay because I love you I'm not gonna give what you wants but what you need and what they would say is if you really loved me you'd give me what I'm asking give me attention give me time give me money give me more and what you've give me give me more more more more more and they're saying I'm not gonna give you what you're asking I'm gonna give you what you need now what you want what you what you need you're asking for you you're asking me for money for a car payment but I noticed that you've got a new Apple watch on you've got a new right I've noticed these things right you want me to validate you that you need love but you what you need is not for me to validate you all the time it's for you to learn to love and accept yourself you want more time with me but what you need is to develop your own sense of identity and self because more of me is not going to be what satisfies you it's you knowing who you are that's gonna be what you need I'm not just gonna give you do what you want I'm gonna try to do what's right that's what Peter and John are saying to him he's saying we're not gonna give you some silver gold but in the name of Jesus Christ we're gonna do for you abundantly beyond what you are asking or you could even imagine to ask take up your bed and stand up and walk we're not just gonna give you a handout we're gonna help you up sometimes we got a we got a pause so we're not just giving emotionally listen we all have relationships in our lives where we look and we say man like this person keeps asking an eider I don't know what to do I'm depleted I'm empty I can't give anymore giving strategically requires that I pause and I think and I strategize and I plant and I might need to phone a friend and say hey I don't know what to do in the situation I this person keeps asking and I just I don't have anything I don't know what to give this is what they want but I don't know what to what what it is that they're actually in need of are y'all with me okay so number one is gift strategically number two is served wisely serve wisely Jesus he served selflessly he loved authentically he would give generously he would teach faithfully and he would listen compassionately he was very wise in the way he served and one of the things that I love about the way that Christ dealt is he would always pause have you noticed that like Christ would you would disappear sometimes and just go pray he would leave his disciples he would teach them and he would leave his disciples he would say you guys y'all go get in a boat and I'll catch up with you okay I'll catch up with you and he would be by himself in order for you to keep on giving part of what you we have to be willing and able to do is to stop and fill up yeah I mean listen if you're empty you're driving and you're low on gas and you need you want to keep going you've you've got it you've got to stop right sometimes we want to stop like not right before if I'm going to be on a long road trip if I have a long conversation you know those two and a half hour conversations rosamma out and I'm like okay I can only do an hour but even an hour like it might take a lot out of me no no I have to make sure that I'm filled up before I give of myself to that person right be like I'm getting on a long road trip to DC and my car is on empty and I'm like I'm just gonna start driving like why I'm gonna have to stop after 15 minutes and it would end up costing me an extra 20 cents a gallon because I have to stop at one of those rest areas where they jack up the prices because right I mean like just make sure that your filt okay serve wisely serve wisely mark chapter 1 verse 35 very early in the morning while it was still dark Jesus got up by the way let me just back up a little bit mark chapter 1 Jesus this is a full day by the the first part of chapter 1 Jesus comes out he's baptized then he goes in Simon Peters mother-in-law's house he yields her then the entire village lines up okay and everyone is coming throughout the day and they're coming to be healed by Jesus he serves as many as was able and then the next thing you see is this verse okay a long day very early in the morning it was still dark Jesus slept him no no Jesus got up left the house went off to a solitary place where he played prayed okay he didn't wake up and play minecraft he didn't wake up and play like what's up fortnight right you didn't wake up and like check his facebook account like he got up and he went to a solitary place where he prayed Simon and his companions went to look for him and when they found him they exclaims everyone's looking for you everyone's looking for you you know what Jesus does he looks at Peter he says let's go to the next spot he doesn't validate he doesn't need try to justify right I mean he was going to spend time with the father every single one of you are giving so much of yourselves and you say there's no time there's no time you might be giving at your work in home in your studies you're constantly giving of yourself when we serve we serve wisely we need to make sure that we are filled Jesus God in the flesh says I need to go and spend time intimate time with my father in the wilderness it's one of those beautiful passages in the New Testament he gave from his time sitting with the father moms some of you trying to have a just a few minutes of alone time where do you run the restroom yes the bathroom right right yep yeah the mom's view exactly right mom's trying to have alone time they go to the bathroom everyone's looking they're just it's like two minutes of quiet until what happens and then what happens next the fingers start coming from under the door it's like it's like a horror movie or something here if you're on an airplane and you're traveling with kids what did they tell you if we lose cabin pressure if we're plunging to our deaths okay I love these things if we're plunging to our death please be sure you do what first you're traveling with someone yep put your own oxygen on secure your own mask and then if you have a child's secured their mask if you have two children choose the one that you love more okay good luck the story of the Good Samaritan in the Gospel of Luke everyone that could've and we would have expected to help this man who had been robbed they walked by him the Good Samaritan stops and he helps them and then after ye like he bandages him up he takes him to the hotel or like a motel and he says listen he says to the innkeeper says I want you to take care of this guy and I'm gonna come back okay he's already done more than we could expect right I'm gonna come back where do you go what do y'all think he went like that the scripture doesn't tell us speculate like you've went to one of two places right yeah there went home to his wife or his mama right that was option number one I need to go check in make sure everything at home is good number two I got to go to work I got a job to do right someone's got to pay for this this motel room for the night okay I'm gonna go I'll be back I'm gonna I'm gonna serve but I'm gonna serve wisely okay I'm not just gonna sit here all day there's other things that have to get done as well I'm gonna do those things as well and then I'll be back I read one time someone said you you can't say yes often if you don't say no occasionally you can't say yes often if you don't say no occasionally one of my favorite things that I learned a few years back was to say no it was it was wonderful like I always thought that if I was called yeah it was great I always thought that if I received a phone call from like a retreat somewhere like in Zimbabwe or New Zealand or whatever I'm like I gotta go like Jesus is calling me I have to go to New Zealand to preach the gospel right and New Zealand's beautiful maybe I shouldn't Afghan it I have to go to Afghanistan I have to go there's a retreat there okay I have to go but if I said yes to everything I'd be saying no to my wife and kids on some things I'd be saying no to the service in the church here on other things I'd be saying no to my own spiritual health which is what happened because I was literally there was a period of time more could tell you like I was literally every thought I'd get there was like four or five priests we were invited to go to every retreat in North American God knows where right and we're all yes sure yes got it we gotta go we got to go gotta go and there was a time where I was exhausted all the time all the time if you you can't say yes often if you don't say no occasion if you're saying yes to everything something's gonna give something will give yes okay number so number one is gift strategically number two is serve wisely number three is we trust we trust completely trust completely that that by the way as far as saying no occasionally there's not just for service this is for your work as well importantly for your work sometimes you have to say no to work you have a great opportunity for a promotion or to make a lot of money and you might have to say I gotta say no I have to say no because if I keep saying yes actually this just happened recently Moore and I were having a conversation over Thanksgiving and I decided I had to say no for the coming year for my studies yeah I I said no right for the next year I I said I I have I have with the the the the church building projects we have the university that I'm serving at is going through accreditation we have a number of families here that need service on top of all that I have a wife and kids on top of that what is it prophet me if I gain the whole world and lose my own soul so I looked and I was like something has to give while all of this stuff is on my plate sometimes guys you have to say no some really good things great opportunities so you can say yes to something that is a far greater die all right so give strategically served wisely number three is trust completely trust completely help the way that God leads us to help and trust him with the consequences gives help the way that God leads you to help and then trust him with the consequences part of the thing is we think sometimes we have to save people we have to be their Savior some of us have Savior complex right if you think if you think God needs you to fix everyone else forgive me your God is way too small if I believe God needs me to serve every retreat my god is way too small if you believe that God needs you to serve every single person in the what God didn't say love the whole world what do you say love one another love your neighbor whose job is it to love the whole world it's got you and I are limited keys unlimited we love every single person that we come in contact with and we give ourselves wisely and strategically but we've got to trust him with the consequences it's insulting and dangerous to think that I or you are the answer to someone else's problem it's insulting it's insulting to government and it's it's insulting to the person and it's dangerous as well because then what do we do I'm the answer I'm the solution I'm the Savior if I don't do it nobody else will if I can't do it it's gonna fall apart and my friends Jesus is the answer we were simply the servants he's the power were the conduits right in in this house there's electrical lines that are running through it's think of yourself as the electrical lights Jesus is the power that flows through you and he uses you to bring light into other people you're just the servant you and I are just servants we're not the ones who are we're not the light yes he says I'm the light of the woman he says you're the light of the world whose light yes it's him and right it's he em in us the prodigal son at one point you guys know the story he ran away from home right what did the father do did he chase after him yeah he said I got to go drink I got to go smoke the funny stuff I want to go live my life father didn't say I'm chasing after you yeah what are you doing he gave him what he asked for he gave him what he asked for the father loved his son in such a way that he waited and he prayed and he didn't rescue he waited for the Sun to come to his senses and once he did he came back rescuing isn't always helping when we try to rescue other people that's not helping them okay and I know mom's this is extra might be extra hard for you okay rescuing isn't always helping if your child or your spouse is always late they may need to get in trouble at work they may end up they may end up losing their job they may if you party your brains out in college the consequence is you may lose your scholarship may happen if you charge up debt and vacation and you buy a super expensive nice fancy car and all that stuff you might end up getting evicted rescuing is not always the answer rescuing is not always helping one of the things I'm grateful for was that my parents at one point they didn't rescue me when I was in college I was I'll just say mismanaging my life and reached a point like they were giving me money for food and rents and like a portion of it I had other money that I like needed to earn and whatnot like I was mismanaging my life and the funds they were giving me I was using it for other exciting extracurricular activities and at one point I said I need more money my parents said here's a little bit more I said I need a little bit more money and they said sorry we can't give you any more money and I was like but I'm gonna starve they said figure it out and I'm so grateful I mean living off of ramen noodles for two weeks wasn't the best most healthy diet but it taught me it taught me till I finally hit rock bottom and I realized what I needed it wasn't more money was it extra curricular activity activities I needed Jesus I needed God in my life right my parents didn't continue and I'm thankful for that to rescue me be careful let me wrap up real quick be careful not to feel that you're superior okay sometimes we help other people we help them because they're like a project for us they're like a puppy we want to help them and people in need they're the people are like people that are neat are not projects we help they're simply people that we are called to love okay if someone is in need and by the way I'm not suggesting don't help folks I'm saying if folks are in Hell in need of help help them love them but understand that they're not projects ultimately we recognize that we are need to several years ago Marv and I we went to ta'kenya for a mission trip and while we were there like we went to him really it was a very poor area okay and some of the people that were there on this mission trip they felt like we're there and we're gonna save these people we're gonna give them something we don't have and what we realized was they had something that many of us didn't have some of them needed some financial actually they didn't need or want they were satisfied they were some of the happiest people in the world but what we found was we were poor in other ways emotionally relationally spiritually and one of the beautiful things about being in community is that we learned that we're all porn some we're all in need of something I might be financially poverty and pravesh you might be relationally in need another person might be spiritually need and what we do is we build one another we help one another we lift one another one of the awesome things is that in community in church we find healing we need we need each other my friends we need each other I'm not your answer you're not my answer our job is to constantly point each other to Jesus our job what you are need of why I'm in need of is Christ's yes I'm in need for you to point me at him and your need for me to point you a.m. if we're constantly pointing one another at Christ we're truly satisfying one another's need even when we help emotionally or financially give our time or advice we're always still should be doing so in a way that is pointing people at Christ okay all right let's stop with that [Music] you [Music]